Adam tries to break free, to no avail (chapter XXX)

Gogo

May Linh was gone from my secluded house by the beach for a week and she already had been away four days and I hadn’t heard from her so I didn’t know for sure when she’d come back. I found it incredible how the three weeks she spent here, after agreeing to old Mr. Me’s contract, had changed my life.

For the first time ever, in this always warm Southeastern Asian Country, I could shamelessly ogle at a woman nude body – May Linh’s nude body – all day long, from up close, missing no detail and it was OK for May Linh because she understood that’s why she was living here with me. And what was really great is that we didn’t have any obligation to each other’s other than those stipulated in the contract.

It took old Mr. Me the whole day to recover after the evening with Carter. I made my own coffee and breakfast in the morning – shit it was almost 2 pm already – then I went to have a smoke on the porch. I saw the ashtrays were full and there were cans of beer just about everywhere on the porch and in the kitchen. God damn, I remembered last night, drinking with Carter, the pot, and coming back home and listening to music – MY music – very loud, and drinking and smoking. No wonder I had a hangover.

So I went to the garden. I hadn’t been there since May Linh left last Sunday. I wasn’t worried about watering it because it had showered just about every afternoon. But I saw the difference a few days make. The drains in between rows were already cluttered up by stuff coming straight from the jungle nearby, carried by the rain water I guess. And I could see tiny little plants already starting to grow out and I knew those weren’t supposed to be there. I figured that May Linh would have a bit of work in the garden coming back but nothing like what she had to do when she first arrived.

Then I thought I’d go swim. So I did.

Shit, although the ocean was calm, it was so hard to get started and I was sweating beer out – I knew by now sharks were not interested – that I almost turned back. But I eventually got going, reached the 250m platform, the farthest away and, after a small rest, I took out to sea. And it started to feel very good to be swimming.

I realized that if I was all of a sudden so relaxed in the water it was because I wasn’t thinking of May Linh, of May Linh nude in her garden, of May Linh nude waiting for me on the beach, of May Linh nude meeting me on the sandbar, and throwing her legs around my waist and me gamahuching her, of May Linh sleeping in my bed. I recognized that May Linh’s mere presence affected how I swam and that, during those past weeks, when I was swimming, I was only thinking of her. Today, being alone again, I felt I could swim really the way I like it. Yet I was still thinking of May Linh.

I eventually, finally, got into a rhythm and that’s when swimming is the best because it allows you to think about nothing, to even stop thinking at all. And there one can find peace at last. And I did.

Later, I straightened the house, took the garbage out, and showered. I went to the front porch and felt like a lot had been done already today. So I popped a beer open and rolled a French joint. Throughout my life, other than on special occasions like Christmas and anniversaries or being with friends, I pretty much never drank any alcohol nor took any drugs during the day. While the sun was up, I was just a regular guy, working hard, trying to protect my family.

But once everything that had to be done during the day – working, taking care of loved ones, paying taxes, respecting speed limits, in short once everything that could normally be expected of a regular guy was done – then, at night fall, I figured that I was on my own time and nobody had anything to say if I drank beer or smoked pot. It often started late, after the kids were in bed and the wife watching a stupid show on TV, but that was my time, no matter how short it may be.

All that to say that this one day, on my porch, I indulged myself with a beer and a joint kind of early but, what in hell, I was alone and I wasn’t expecting anyone and who cared and it was such a surprise to find myself with pot here. Still, for some reason, I felt I was indulging, which goes to show how far sin gets niched in the brain of white Christian males…

I found there was something odd in the way I was feeling.

See, before, many times I thought I fell in love when in fact I was just getting acquainted with a woman whom I thought was filling my needs, whatever they were. And she’d love me when in fact she was thinking the same thing in return, that I could fill her needs. Our needs were different of course but at the end love was all a lie. We were just trying to survive the best way we could according to the canons of morals, to be less alone and less scared, and love gave us the perfect excuse to search for an egotistic fulfillment of one’s needs, sexual for him, security for her, to state it in a simple way. So, really, there’s hardly any love for free. Thinking of it, my wives and girlfriends each cost me a lot more than would ever a May Linh.

Not so much in monetary terms as in terms of dedication. Because of ‘love’ you feel bound to wait in angst for the loved one, then to have a family and in doing so, for most of us at least, male and female, that means taking care of your wife/hubby, your kids, then later your parents as they age, your friends, your brothers and sisters and what not.

To achieve that, you have to kiss ass to your boss, to your government, to your god, to your neighbors and so on and you also have to kiss ass to your wife, not literally of course and that’s the point. The moment you get up in the morning, you have to put on clothes and it’s like a robe of chains. And you tell your buddies how much you love her – really only because she lets you fuck her the way you like it and that’s how she grabs onto you – and your buddies try to tell you she’s not a woman for you. And you don’t care about what they say and it is soon too late.

Look how the unloving mother and the unloving libertine are both chastised in the same way. In the name of love, abominations are committed and ‘loving’ men and women are going nuts, especially when because of love, which is supposed to be enough in itself – so they say -, she doesn’t fuck you the way you like it anymore and she doesn’t try to be sexy anymore and the men come home after work so tired and brain dead that they’re happy just to watch crazy TV and they’ll both be happy in a few years if they still fuck once a week, on Friday. In other words, love is just another way to coerce you into a way of life others have decided for you. Everyone would be doing better by writing down a contract and making a deal. The truth of it is made clear when people divorce, money being the No. 1 reason couples fight and the No. 1 reason they break up. People divorce because they feel cheated and they feel this way because the deal was never made clear, the ideal of marriage being overbearing because, again, of the influence of preposterous religions.

Look around you. Almost any married couple is made out of renouncements. French writer Serge Gainsbourg once said that “in a couple, there’s always one who is hurting and one who is bored”. That’s pretty much it. All my life I had been either one, all the way to grand-children. And I would have gone like that all the way to my last breath if not for aliens’ money that allowed me to escape it all.

Today, with May Linh, there is none of that expectation that tomorrow grass will be greener. We have a fair deal that concerns only the two of us and that makes life together a lot simpler. That doesn’t keep us from being respectful and considerate. But there is no love involved and that’s why I can finally be at ease with a woman, nude at that, who seems to also be at ease with me. It is possible because we don’t have any expectations other than, for me, finishing my life surrounded by beauty and free at last of the imperious demands of love.

That, out of the fucking millions human beings on this earth, two or more individuals, having forgotten fear, could somehow find a way to meet where there’s never more at stake than themselves is the most fucking respect you can give to anyone. But it usually doesn’t work like that. There’s too much at stake: the family, the rent/mortgage, the schools, and blablabla and blablabla.

In fact, if I recall, the one times I was the happiest where always when I was alone. I can remember starting new lives in news countries and I was on my own and I was rocking and I think I was rocking because I didn’t have to argue with anyone about how I should go about this or that. And, each time, the moment I’d have a bit a success, there would be women showing up and I would fall for one of them. And she would soon resent the very essence of what she liked at first and let me know it. Then I’d go again: the family, the wife, the kids, work, taxes, speeding tickets, etc. and before I knew it, it was too late again. It worked every time, as if I couldn’t resist. Don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets; this was my life before the aliens and if there wouldn’t have been aliens, it would still be. But disappearing from the world, I thought I’d finally break the chains of submission.

All that to say that, sitting alone on my porch, and at once relishing it, I was looking at this southeastern Asian ocean and it was sunset and I was drinking beer at leisure and I could see the fishing boats going at sea, and, although for once there was a fair and square contract, I had to admit there was still from my part some kind of expectation. Really, I couldn’t wait for May Linh to come back…

Shit, isn’t sentimentality all what I wanted to get away from? Isn’t that why we have a contract? And there I was, again, getting sentimental. After THREE weeks ONLY! What a fuck is wrong with me? At my age! After swearing ‘never again, no more pain’. That was the whole point why I came here! But I knew I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t put an exact word on it but I knew I felt something for May Linh and I missed her. Shit!

Must be the pot!

On the other hand, what do I know of what May Linh thinks? She has been gone almost five days now and didn’t give me a sign of life. Maybe she takes this situation just as a good job opportunity and doesn’t care for me. Why should she anyway? I don’t even know the name of the village up north where she comes from. I don’t even know if that’s where she went. I wouldn’t even know how to find her if I wanted to.

No, that’s not exactly true. I do know how I’d find her: I’d call Mrs. Wan. Collect!

Ellar Wise

Next episode: Adam wonders what tales his bed sheets may tell
Previous episodeAdam is Captain Kangaroo

Wanna know more? Drop a mail at ellarwise@gmail.com

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One thought on “Adam tries to break free, to no avail (chapter XXX)

  1. Pingback: Adam tries to break free, to no avail (chapter XXX) | Adam says

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